Divine InnerBitchin’

I’m watching the Oscars this evening.

I don’t usually, so perhaps a little controversy has been good for the show.

Chris Rock, usually rocks, he can really piss me off, but he usually pisses off everybody.

So far, so good, but I don’t expect it to last.

I couldn’t help but think of ‘Neck when, a few days ago, as I was pulling into Target, this came passing by.

Well, actually, I thought of two things.

The second was “WTF”?!

The environmentalists must be going MAD!

Velociman….a regular friggin’ Ghandi.

Who knew?

It would appear that someone, of some consequence, expired at the business end of a firearm this weekend.

Maybe it’s just me, but it caught me completely by surprise, just today, in as much as, you know…nobody was writing about it.

Now, girls…WTF?

Have we all missed the train to enlightenment provided by an oh-too self-important cultural icon, that was, seemingly, as much despised as he was admired?

Or, was it just me?

How far on the evolutionary scale must one drop before you find the likes of these people sufficient to vouch for your character?

Really?

Is there any good reason why the opening scenes of ‘The Magnificent Seven’ reminds me of the animated film ‘A Bug’s Life’?

Yul Brynner and Steve McQueen…in the same movie.

Good GOD almighty!

What he said…

and take THIS too!

Isn’t it pretty?

I love my hometown.

That World War II flyover just now??

Yeah? Well I saw it 10 seconds earlier as, while sitting on my sofa, I heard the buzz, and tilted my head back to look upwards through my window, and directly at the underside of the planes.

Damn! Why didn’t I have my camera ready?!

And…why the hell am I so cheesy?!

I don’t know quite why, but for some reason, this reminds me of Bryan.

I wonder why that is?

All of you.

To those who say “please” and “thank you”, and to those who wouldn’t know good manners if they if they were served up hot in a shiny silver tea service.

First…today, in the middle of winter, we’ve experienced one of our coldest days thus far. It was in the low 50’s, and drizzling rain. Or, as my customer who lives in Rochester, NY, put it…”balmy”. He said that he would be thrilled to be anywhere where the temperature was twice that of an average Rochester winter day.

At present, at 9:00 p.m., it is still 50 degrees in Jax.
At present, it is:
27 degrees in Boston
29 degrees in Philadelphia
31 degrees in both New York and Chicago
52 degrees in New Orleans
62 degrees in San Diego
and
69 degrees in Miami

We are in the middle of WINTER. Deal with it!

Second, you butt-munch, traffic was no worse today than it is on just about any other day in Jacksonville. Upon leaving my office at 6:45 this evening, I drove more than twenty miles in order to get to my home just two miles away. Why? To prove what I knew to be true. There was no additional traffic…what-so-ever. As for the roads that have been blocked…it’s called a street party. And, I would venture a guess that even New Orleans, too, has the occasional street party.

Third, the game hasn’t begun yet. It will be another four days before the first pass is thrown. Yes. The Super Bowl is an event. Yes. People expect a good time. And, if I’m not mistaken…people can get drunk anywhere. How about dragging up a stool at The Landing. After all, it is “dead”, right? Then, you should have no trouble finding a place to sit. And, while you’re sitting there, sipping on your Zima, perhaps you can come up with another way in which you can insult the people of this great, albeit ’small’, city.

When someone launches an attack against Jacksonville…
“It” is not prepared.
“It” is not cultured.
“It” is not exciting.
Keep in mind, that “it” is not a static entity. It is a city teeming with people. The residents of Jacksonville, certainly the natives of Jacksonville, are proud of our growing city. We are a city that, despite its size, managed to pull off something that many larger cities can only dream of pulling off. We got the Super Bowl. If that very fact makes you uncomfortable, then frankly Scarlett, I don’t give a flying fuck.

Thus far, it has not been the players who have complained. It has not been the coaches. Why? Because they are focused on the big picture…an event that they will remember for the rest of their lives. The Philadelphia Eagles versus the giant of a team, the New England Patriots. Here in Jacksonville, most of us are cheering for the Eagles. Perhaps it’s the David and Goliath scenario which these two teams seem to represent. Perhaps, it’s because the Philly team seemed to have struggled a bit more to get here. Perhaps, it’s because we know how they feel. Alas…regretably, no matter how hard one works to acquire their ‘good fortune’ there will always be those willing to tear them down for having succeeded.

And now, I am tempted to say, “Fine! You can keep the damned thing! We don’t want it anymore!”

But, I am not. Instead, I am going to work with the other citizens of our city to secure the next big event, and the next after that. In the meantime…

I’ll just learn to contend with an average 16% increase in property value each year. I’ll laugh each year when my real estate tax statement arrives and I think about what I could be paying (thanks to a 3% annual cap). I’ll save the money that those who live in others cities would spend on property or state income taxes, or perhaps I’ll take a vacation. I’ll sing along to the radio as I race across town at 75 mph, because, thankfully, our roadways are more than adequate to handle the traffic. At the end of February, I will begin to work on my tan while lying on the beach. I will enjoy fresh seafood, caught daily along our shore.

Basically, I…we…will continue to live the way we did before you came. Perhaps we will be a little better for the best of the publicity we will receive this week, but will certainly be no worse off. After all, who the hell even listens to folks like you to make a decision about anything of any relevance anyway?!

So, *adjusts collar, touches up hair* to those who come to my hometown, those who enjoy the slow pace that our city has to offer, to those who say “please” and “thank you”, we say “You’re welcome”.

To the rest of you, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

(I mean, c’mon…you must be dying to get out of this place. How could you not, I mean, with that gentle Detroit winter just twelve short months away.)

Brrrr.

Just shut the hell up.

I’ve heard enough already.

Do not mistake a cordial nature with one of sheepishness.

(The preceding statement to be clarified, in Star Wars fashion, in a ‘prequel’ to be posted later, when I no longer feel the need to choke the visitors to my fair city.)

UPDATE: I’m still not quite calm enough, but I’m getting there. Just listen to what the future Mr. Bitchin had to say about the situation.