Divine InnerBitchin’

Tips for flossing:

Nevermind

Fuck flossing!!!

Brushing one’s teeth, in twenty-six easy steps:

1. Turn on water with right hand
2. Open medicine cabinet with right hand
3. Take toothbrush from holder, with right hand
4. With right hand, rinse toothbrush under hot water and then place, bristle side up, on clean towel
5. Withdraw toothpaste from the medicine cabinet with right hand
6. Place cap of toothpaste tube between right molars, and twist tube, clockwise, with right hand
7. With cap still in mouth and using your right hand, squeeze toothpaste on to toothbrush. (*otherwise useless lump of plaster and flesh suspended from left shoulder can be used to weigh down toothbrush for stability)
8. Using right hand, insert toothpaste tube into cap, still sandwiched between molars, and turn counter-clockwise.
9. With right hand, return toothpaste to medicine cabinet.
10. While reaching for the medicine cabinet, accidentally flip toothbrush on to its side, and smear toothpaste on to towel and cast. (This is where having a clean towel becomes even more relevant)
11. Curse loudly
12. Using right hand, scoop/scrape toothpaste from towel, or alternately, repeat steps four through nine
13. Again, and using right hand, rinse toothbrush under hot water, and proceed to the brushing of one’s teeth.
14. When complete, and with mouth stll foamy, rinse toothbrush under hot water and dry on clean corner of previously clean, but now toothpaste smeared towel
15. Return toothbrush to holder with right hand
16. With right hand, close medicine cabinet door
17. Using a cupped right hand, obtain water from faucet for rinsing
18. Burn right hand and mouth
19. Curse profusely at right hand
20. Using right hand, adjust water temp, and using a cupped hand, draw water to now stinging mouth for rinsing
21. Using right hand, remove toothpaste from hair
22. With right hand, and using a different corner of towel, dry face
23. Using yet another clean corner of towel, dry hair
24. Using right hand, rinse spit from sink and turn off both hot and cold water
25. Through a series of awkward manipulations of thumb and forefinger of right hand, dry hand on last clean corner of towel and then wipe toothpaste from cast
26. Using right hand and towel, smash every surface in the room before tossing towel to the floor

Next tip: Flossing.

Just call me Grace…

Yesterday, after a morning spent teaching fifth grade students about the Red Cross and hurricane preparedness, I set off to meet my friend, Lisa, for lunch. We met at Moon River Pizza and had such a pleasant little lunch. We spoke of her upcoming baby shower, one which I have taken great pains in planning (a process which I have thoroughly enjoyed). It’s the first shower I’ve planned all by myself, and I feel so honored to be a part of it. We discussed the gossip of the day…a former co-worker’s recent heart surgery, another’s drastic weight loss, my new Tiffany-blue Kenneth Cole handbag, and afterwards, we paid the check and headed back to the daily grind. Just outside the door, Lisa and I stopped to chit-chat a moment more, and as we parted ways, moving in seperate directions towards our cars, we turned and yelled out one last “Goodbye!” It was then that I heard someone caution “Watch out!”

As I took one step backwards, turning to walk away, I failed to notice that my left foot was planted firmly at the base of a parking bumper. I lifted my foot, and turned to walk, and the momentum threw me to the ground…all the way to the ground. I landed on the asphalt but remember worrying that I was about to hit my face on the pavement, and so turned and lifted my head away. I came down on my right knee and both hands. I lay, stunned, in the middle of a parking space, next to a busy street, and as the embarrassment swept over me, and I joked to passersby “Just call me Grace!”, another curious sensation came over me, and I looked up at Lisa and said, “I think I’ve broken my wrist.”

I remember rolling over to my right side and standing up. Whilst trying to maintain my composure, I walked toward my car. I remember telling Lisa that I thought I was going to pass out. I remember Lisa opening my car door and putting me inside. I do not, however, remember any pain, nor any sound that could be specifically associated with the breaking of a wrist. I turned on the a.c., and sat in the car waiting for the dizziness to pass. Lisa asked if I needed to go to the emergency room for x-rays, and I replied that I would be fine, that I would drive myself to my family doctor (all the way across town) to have it checked out. Lisa decided to follow, and called the doctor to tell him I was on my way. It was just about the time I pulled on to I95 when the pain hit me. And so, when I arrived at the doctor’s office, and the x-ray tech warned me “This doesn’t look good.” I knew there was a problem.

Not only did I fracture my wrist, but I landed with such force that I snapped my radius at the wrist, and the upper section of the bone was rammed down the center of the lower section of the bone. (Just imagine turning two long-necked bottles mouth to mouth, and smashing them together so that the neck of one ends up in the belly of the other, that’s essentially what happened.) And now, tomorrow, I’m headed off for surgery. The likelihood is that they’ll install pins to hold it in place because the broken ends of the bone were shattered when they collided. The surgeon said that he will try to do “just a full-arm cast” if it is at all possible, but even then, it’s likely that I’ll end up with pins before all is said and done.

Of course, my first thought was, “But how will I straighten my hair each day?!”

Now in closing, allow me to say, that no pity is solicited here. In an attempt to maintain control over my life, advice is what I seek.

What tips and tricks do you know that might help me get through the every day tasks such as washing my hair, or cutting my steak, or ironing my clothes for work each day?

Seriously, any advice would be appreciated.

And, if I don’t respond immediately, I trust you’ll understand why.

This Associated Press article of extreme national importance.

Whatever