Advice For The Temporarily ‘Gimped’-Tip #1
Brushing one’s teeth, in twenty-six easy steps:
1. Turn on water with right hand
2. Open medicine cabinet with right hand
3. Take toothbrush from holder, with right hand
4. With right hand, rinse toothbrush under hot water and then place, bristle side up, on clean towel
5. Withdraw toothpaste from the medicine cabinet with right hand
6. Place cap of toothpaste tube between right molars, and twist tube, clockwise, with right hand
7. With cap still in mouth and using your right hand, squeeze toothpaste on to toothbrush. (*otherwise useless lump of plaster and flesh suspended from left shoulder can be used to weigh down toothbrush for stability)
8. Using right hand, insert toothpaste tube into cap, still sandwiched between molars, and turn counter-clockwise.
9. With right hand, return toothpaste to medicine cabinet.
10. While reaching for the medicine cabinet, accidentally flip toothbrush on to its side, and smear toothpaste on to towel and cast. (This is where having a clean towel becomes even more relevant)
11. Curse loudly
12. Using right hand, scoop/scrape toothpaste from towel, or alternately, repeat steps four through nine
13. Again, and using right hand, rinse toothbrush under hot water, and proceed to the brushing of one’s teeth.
14. When complete, and with mouth stll foamy, rinse toothbrush under hot water and dry on clean corner of previously clean, but now toothpaste smeared towel
15. Return toothbrush to holder with right hand
16. With right hand, close medicine cabinet door
17. Using a cupped right hand, obtain water from faucet for rinsing
18. Burn right hand and mouth
19. Curse profusely at right hand
20. Using right hand, adjust water temp, and using a cupped hand, draw water to now stinging mouth for rinsing
21. Using right hand, remove toothpaste from hair
22. With right hand, and using a different corner of towel, dry face
23. Using yet another clean corner of towel, dry hair
24. Using right hand, rinse spit from sink and turn off both hot and cold water
25. Through a series of awkward manipulations of thumb and forefinger of right hand, dry hand on last clean corner of towel and then wipe toothpaste from cast
26. Using right hand and towel, smash every surface in the room before tossing towel to the floor
Next tip: Flossing.
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And how many hours did it take you to write that post?! I hope your arm heals fast!
Comment by zonker — 10/31/2005 @ 10:23 am
Looks like you got the Caps down.
Comment by Yabu — 10/31/2005 @ 11:26 am
27. When finish brushin’, with right hand, shoot the brush, and the towel the bird. Threaten to kill ‘em both when left hand heals. Grin in mirror ’cause brush and towel now have fear of Flynny in ‘em.
Hope you’re lefty is comin’ along. They do heal… They are a PITA when not functionin’ though. Hang in there.
Comment by RedNeck — 10/31/2005 @ 10:30 pm
Damn. That completely sucks! I think I’d curse that much as well;-)
Comment by Sadie — 11/1/2005 @ 1:31 am
Good thing you’re not left handed.
Comment by Jim - PRS — 11/1/2005 @ 8:47 am
Oy! How on earth did you type this?? Ouch! Good luck for a speedy recovery!!
Comment by Dogsdontpurr — 11/1/2005 @ 4:20 pm
Never broke anything. Huge bleeding gashes are more my style…
Get a supply of the plastic clips, like a clipboard clip but smaller and double-stick tape on one side. Put them around in handy places, e.g., where one can hold the toothbrush for you.
Teethbreesh: hold tube backward, cap between thumb and forefinger, body of tube in palm of hand. If you’re dextrous enough to type, you’re dextrous enough to get the cap off from that position. Out-of-the-box thought: throw the cap away. Why does the toothpaste tube need a cap? Sure, the first thirty-second of an inch of toothpaste will dry out a little. But cooties will get in there! Sorry. If the germs able to colonize a near-sterile, antibacterial substance overnight can cause you problems, the nurses who maintain your hypersterile plastic bubble can open the toothpaste for you.
Regards,
Ric
[other one-hand tips upon request; loss of use of a hand is an often-encountered temporary experience for me]
Comment by Ric Locke — 11/2/2005 @ 9:37 pm