Divine InnerBitchin’

41

41 years old.

Well, actually, it’s more like 41 years and six months, but still…41.

And, I’ve noticed how of late I’ve begun to think of things such as; It’s exciting how my hometown is changing. Damn. I wish I could be here to see what it would look like in fifty years.

Then I think…What?!

I’m only 41. Am I already planning for my funeral?

Because, the truth is, I’m loving life.

I really do, for the first time, enjoy my life.

No longer do I allow others to get to me the way I once did. No longer must I get dressed to the nines to go grocery shopping. No longer do I worry about how I’ll pay my bills and how I’ll support my child.

It’s funny. Some of the things that might have sent me into tears just a few years ago are now giving me the biggest giggle.

I’m 41 and I’m getting braces, top and bottom, for the first time.

And, this week, I had my first eye exam in years and although I still have great vision, it’s grown different than what I’ve become accustomed to, so I’m getting my first pair of readers. I’ve chosen geeky, black framed glasses. (I’m hoping they’ll give me that sexy librarian look.)

My hair hasn’t been colored in two months so I now have about an inch of gray peppered throughout my hair and in the last 6 years I’ve put on 45 pounds.

I haven’t dated anyone in more than two years.

Yet.

I don’t care. In fact, I’m enjoying all of these things. It’s not that I don’t want to be thinner, but the truth is that, even when I weighed 60 pounds less, I still thought I needed to lose weight. Now, losing weight is more about my health than it is about pleasing someone for whom I might remove my clothes.

Perhaps, it’s just a different form of insecurity: Perhaps all of these things are meant to challenge myself, and others, to see me as I really am.

Nonetheless.

Darn it.

I’m happy.

I just turned on the television, and American Beauty is playing. And I think, I get it now.

Why wait until everything is perfect in your life to start enjoying it?

Several years ago, in and interview with some magazine or another, the founder of Amazon.com was asked about the way in which he lives his life, and he summed it up in a way that I’ve never been able to forget:

Regret minimalization

Television…internet…flat irons….blow dryers…ironing your sheets….

When you’re old and gray, how many minutes of your life will you wish you could get back?

There really are no do overs.